Want to Change Your Life? Quit with the Blame
A lesson for me as much any anyone else
If you find value in this weekly letter, feel free to share with friends and family who you think might enjoy a dose of simplicity every Friday.
A closely related family member to me takes absolutely no responsibility for anything in his life. His wife does almost everything for him, from cleaning to cooking to chores and life admin, whilst he sits in a chair and watches the TV.
It’s horribly sad, depressing, and heartbreaking.
I can kind of see the appeal, in a twisted way. If you jettison all responsibility, you can blame everyone but yourself when things go wrong. Nothing is your fault, because you weren’t responsible in the first place.
Someone else was. Nice.
Except, of course, it’s not nice. Not for him, nor anyone else around him. It’s a miserable, negative way to live.
The worst part of this already sad situation is that he will never change his ways. When you’re responsible for nothing, that includes your own self-improvement and self-worth.
As Joshua Becker says, assigning blame is a very real obstacle to change.
And change is good. Change is healthy. Change is necessary.
Change leads to a better life.
What are you blaming others for right now?
In the interests of transparency, I’ll throw a couple into the ring:
I blamed my employers for being overlooked for promotion.
I blame my bad college experience almost exclusively on one difficult housemate.
I blame my upbringing for a lot. Because let’s face it, that is a super easy place to pile on blame for almost anything that goes wrong in life.
I blame myself.
If I’m really honest with myself, piling all this blame onto other people has stopped me in the past from changing myself.
Being overlooked for promotion is a good example here. Back in 2012, I was overlooked for the same promotion twice.
I always blamed the hiring manager for not taking a chance on me. But looking back I realize that it was far easier to blame the company for not seeing my potential than it was to actually do the work that would get me the promotion. I was not a model employee - I moaned a lot, I had a bad attitude, and I expected everything to be handed to me on a plate.
No wonder they didn’t want me.
If I’d stopped blaming them, maybe I would have worked on myself and my skills, and actually earned that promotion.
Blaming them stopped me from changing myself for the better.
There will always be someone else to blame (and psychologically, it’s hard to stop)
You could blame your tiredness on your partner for not helping around the house, or your kids. You could blame your mistake on someone who distracted you at just the wrong time.
Can’t think of someone to blame? No worries, there’s always fate, or a higher power.
Blaming others is a habit we’ve all been conditioned to do. And psychologically, it’s hard to stop because taking responsibility can be a real blow to your ego. Blaming others is a great defense mechanism, after all. And it’s really easy to do.
But research says that people who blame others for everything, create a raw deal for themselves. Their performance levels are lower, they lose social status amongst peers, and most pertinent of all, they don’t change and learn when life throws shit at them.
It might feel good to blame someone else in the moment, but in the long run, you’re making a long rod for your own back.
Where there is blame, there doesn’t have to be a claim
Of course, there will be times in your life when something happens to you that is someone else’s fault. But even when that’s the case, blame still does no good.
Enter Brexit. My husband and I slow travel, spending a lot of time in Europe because that’s where our heart lies. Brexit put a stop to a lot of our plans, because as Brits, we are now only able to spend 90 days in every 180 in the Schengen area.
For a long, long time, I blamed my government for this. After all, it was their fault, not mine, I didn’t vote to leave.
And I was angry.
Recently, I’ve started to let go of the blame. I’ve even started to see the situation in a positive light. If I hadn’t been forced to leave the Schengen area last year, I probably would have never visited Croatia, or Georgia, or Turkey. I would never have met new friends or experienced what it’s like to live in these really incredible places.
I’m still upset Britain left the EU for many, many reasons. But on a personal level, sitting there playing the blame game with my government just made me miserable and stopped me from living the life I fought tooth and nail to craft in the first place.
The blame game has no winners. Never.
So let it go.
Quit the blame, change your life
Quitting the blame is taking control. Suddenly, a mistake is your responsibility, not someone else’s. And that means you can do something about it.
It’s all about reframing. Something bad happens to you? It sucks, for sure. But what can you learn from it? What can you change in your life to stop that mistake from happening again?
Using blame as a defense mechanism? That’s learned behaviour. You can change learned behaviour.
Being in control is scary, but ultimately better for you, and for everyone around you. That close family member of mine doesn’t want to be in control because it’s hard work and means if something goes wrong, it’s on him. He hates that.
But being in control means you can change the outcome. And changing the outcome can lead to exceptional things.
It can change your life if you’ll let it.
Things I’ve done this week to regain control over an increasingly busy life
When I quit my ‘normal’ life for one on the road 15 months ago, I promised myself I wouldn’t succumb to busy / hustle culture again. From now on, it would be a clear diary for me.
But recently my diary has been filling up. It’s easy to pile on more and more activities, appointments and busy-work. Too easy.
This week, I’m taking a stand against my increasingly full diary. Here’s how:
I’m saying no to a couple of large, quite important dates. Even though I feel that I should keep them, I know that all they’re going to do is batter my mental health. So they’re gone.
I’m building a new daily routine that includes time for rest and quiet.
I’m carving out time to spend on my own.
I’m adopting the German concept of Kleinscheiss Tag which means “little shit day”. These are days you reserve to do all the jobs you need to do but suck the life out of you. Get them done in one day, don’t get sidetracked by little (but distracting) tasks for the rest of the week.
Something to read
3 articles from my collection
3 of the best articles I’ve read this week
The Great Resignation and “Goblin Mode” Are Signs of Society’s Hastening Breakdown - U-Ming Lee
I Thought Immigrants in the USA Should Speak English, but Then I Moved Abroad - Bella Martin
Being Mean is Costing You Money - Kit Campoy
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I’m back in Spain for the next few weeks, so it’s gracias for reading! You guys are the best. Happy weekend, everyone.
A great read that’s given me plenty to think about on so many levels.
Brexit, for example - like you I was against it and still am - but the all-consuming anger wasn’t healthy and I’m learning to let go.
Enjoy your life on the road -I did the same in my thirties.
I’ve sort of been doing things in reverse to you!
Now, at 62, I’m a homeowner again after renting for 10 years, moved to Scotland and about to start Air BnB, when I’m not writing.
Your newsletter inspires me👏
Your relative reminds me of my uncle, whose entire life has revolved around absolving himself of responsibility and delegating decision-making to other people. He ended up losing his life savings. You'd think he'd learn but he's still going on as if nothing had changed.
Enjoy Spain! I'm still in Thailand, where I hope to be until the end of June. :)