Trying to Regain Control in an Uncontrollable World

It ain't easy

Photo by Evan Fitzer on Unsplash

NOTE: This article is quite personal and a little bit difficult to write, so there’ll be no preview for free subscribers today. This is a strictly “for paid subscribers’ eyes only” kind of story.

Paid subscribers, listen to the audio version - narrated by me - here

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Today I’m writing for me as much as I am for you - and I’m going to get pretty personal and vulnerable because that’s what I do when I feel out of control.

And my life definitely feels out of control right now. Here are the highlights:

• My husband and I have been trying to conceive for nearly a year. I’m growing tired of the process and the disappointment month after month. This is a situation that is truly hard - if not impossible - to control.

• We want to apply for residency in Portugal and were just about to pull the trigger on that. But we have just discovered Portugal is potentially now rejecting people like us for their residency permit in favor of their new digital nomad visa, which want because it’s only temporary. That throws all our future plans into jeopardy.

• How much I make from my writing is largely controlled by algorithms on Medium.com and how many people (like you lovely lot) pay directly for my work on Substack. The algorithm-Gods are not looking favorably on me right now. Which doesn’t help point #2.

I’d bet my bottom dollar you’re struggling with something that feels totally out of your control too. And although humans have always struggled with uncontrollable situations, our modern world seems to pile it on somewhat.

There is just so much of it. In Britain, we have the likes of Brexit and a disastrous government. There’s the Ukraine war and its effects on our everyday lives. Inflation. Rising energy costs. Throw in supercharged lifestyle aspirations and frankly, it could cause even the sanest person to lose it a little.

Trying to regain some control in this environment seems to be all but impossible. How the hell can I journal my way out of potential infertility? How can I persuade the Portuguese immigration office that I would make a great citizen, not just a temporary digital nomad?

I probably can’t. So I’m going to have to think outside the box.

My favorite kind of thinking.

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My brother and I get on famously but in most areas of life, we couldn’t be more different, and that includes how we deal with adversity. He’s a head-in-the-sand kinda dude whilst I like to take action.

I would love to stick my head in the sand - it seems all warm and cozy down there, and far less stressful. But I believe that inaction is, in the long run, the worse choice. The longer you leave a situation to sort itself out, the more damaging that situation can get.

Which means you’re stuck with the rougher road - facing situations head-on and figuring out how the heck you’re going to get yourself into a better position.

It ain’t no picnic.

I’ve spent the better portion of this morning crying on my sofa, cursing at my country for voting for Brexit. I get sad about Brexit a lot - not least for what it’s done to my country - but this morning’s tears were largely self-centered, focused on losing my freedom of movement.

Crying is all well and good - I truly believe in its therapeutic nature - but once it stops (and I assume it will at some point this morning), then the action has to begin.

I don’t know what situation you’re going through that feels out of your control (let me know in the comments if you feel like you can share) so all I can give you is my personal battle plan.

Try this on for size:

Step #1: Channel my mother

Me crying over uncontrollable situations is nothing new. When it happened during my childhood, my mother would sit on my bed and tell me that nothing is unsolvable. You can always find a way out of a situation.

In most cases, she’s right. Here’s how I’m applying this to my three specific predicaments:

Fertility - there are treatments. There is also the very reasonable alternative of a child-free life, which is hardly a terrible proposition.

Residency - I don’t even know yet whether my residency visa idea is dead in the water. I’m waiting to hear from a lawyer and catastrophizing whilst I wait. Besides, there are other ways to gain residency in a third country. The dream isn’t dead yet, it may just have to change.

Writing income - as my friend

Rocco Pendola

told me recently, this happens on every single platform he's ever written for. Sometimes you're in favor with the algorithm Gods, sometimes you're not. It's simply a case of just keep swimming because eventually, it will pick up again.

Step #2 - Take it one step at a time

If I tried to marry up fertility treatments, a visa application and stepping up my writing game at the same time, my head would likely explode.

So I’m taking it one step at a time. I’ve written down what I need to do in the next few days and that’s it.

This isn’t easy for me, I’m a planner. And plans are good, but long-term plans in the face of difficult-to-control situations can just make you feel like you’re failing over and over when those plans inevitably go to pot.

This time, I’m not looking much past my nose.

Step #3 - Talk to people

Two things happen when you talk to someone.

One, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Two, a night out with a mate or a chat with someone on the phone about something completely different from your predicament just makes it all feel a bit..better. Or smaller. Or it might spark an idea for how to regain control.

Step #4 - Stress relief

Yesterday I ran for the first time in a month and boy did it feel good. I also wrote a long feminist rant about my trying-to-conceive journey on Medium, which funnily enough is gaining traction and may also help with my writing income predicament.

You may not be able to control your problem, but you can relieve the stress around it. Which may just give you the strength you need to figure out how to move forward.

Step #5 - Step up the gratitude

Whilst I am not a fan of comparative suffering (my problem is bigger than yours so yours doesn’t matter), I do think a little bit of perspective - and gratitude - goes a long way.

I am in an immensely privileged position to even be able to consider having a baby, moving to another country, and crafting a successful writing career. I need to remember that - and be grateful for that - always.

Step #6 - Know that things change

What feels like crap now won’t necessarily feel like crap next week, month, or year. Situations change. Our attitudes towards adversity change. Whatever it is, you will probably find a way through, even if the outcome is different from what you thought it would be.

Step #7 - Sleep

Because everything looks better when you’re not exhausted.

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These seem like obvious steps, but when if you’re a catastrophizer like me, they can be easily forgotten in favor of panic and crying.

Trying to control what feels like the uncontrollable can be uncomfortable, difficult, and stressful. But it’s not impossible.

And that is where I leave you today because I’m off to indulge in masses of step number four. If you’re trying to gain control, that might be a good place for you to start too.

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