Say No. But Say Yes Too.
Welcome to Simple and Straightforward, a pulblication about living slowly, sustainably and with intention in an increasingly complex modern world.
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At this time of year, all I want to do is say no.
No to going out when it's damp, dreary, and freaking cold. No to exercising when I still feel sub-par following a nasty bout of flu. No to anything that takes effort and time because I’m sleepy and still in a post-Christmas haze that hasn’t been easy to shake thanks to the aforementioned illness.
Saying no is good. If you want a simpler life, it’s vitally important to say no to time-sucking engagements, people, and things.
But I’ve watched people around me make too much of a habit of saying no. More importantly, I’ve seen them make a habit of saying no to the right things:
No to fun.
No to activities that fill the tank rather than deplete it.
No to splurges, even if they can afford them.
No to self-care.
No to prioritizing healthy pursuits.
And yes to the wrong:
Yes to crappy social engagements.
Yes to making other people happy even if you’re not.
Yes to parts of life that statistically don’t make us happy (freedom of choice, more money for the sake of it, buying stuff).
Yes to social media scrolls and binge-watching TV.
As we ease into 2023, it’s time to do the old switcheroo.
Say no, by all means.
But say yes too. Just to the right stuff.
Say yes to being yourself
That subtitle might be a little too close to meaningless self-improvement territory for my liking, but I’m going with it because it’s the most important place to start.
The older I get - and the more time I spend watching people - the more I realize how few people actually allow themselves to be themselves. Society, people, culture, all of it does its best to rub the edges off people to make them a little more palatable. This is especially so in “polite” cultures like my own - Britain - where saying what you really think is a big no-no. I must have said “I don’t mind what we do” when I really do mind, thousands of times in my life.
At the end of 2022, I wrote in my journal that 2023 was the year I was bringing back my personality and sense of self, which I fear has been robbed by various circumstances, not least a huge identity crisis when I moved from being a UK-bound wine professional to a traveling writer.
You might know that feeling too, the one where you don’t feel like…you. And possibly haven’t for years.
It sucks that so many of us feel we have to put some sort of wishy-washy version of ourselves out there in the world for fear of…what? Offending people? They’re going to get offended anyway. To be liked? So long as you’re a good person, all the right people will like you regardless.
OK, I’m going to get all self-improvement-y and trite on you one last time and say - say yes to being you. Because embodying some dumbed-down version of you is no way to live.
Say yes to The Thing
Everyone has a Thing. I actually have three, all of which would make me sound totally generic on a dating app - food and wine, travel, and writing.
My brother’s thing is photography. My husband’s are similar to mine if you swap writing for coding. My mum’s is her family.
We all have a Thing. Whatever it is, saying no to it is a surefire way to make you feel unsatisfied, like your life is missing something.
Say yes instead and watch that feeling disappear.
Say yes to a little bit of discomfort
We’re too comfortable.
We spend a fortune making ourselves that way. The extra few rooms in the home because we need somewhere to work from / a spare room / a rec room / a “man cave” (pass the vomit bucket, please). The bigger car for those extra few inches of legroom. The extra options because a heated steering wheel would be nice, even if you live in *insert warm place here*.
One of my big revelations of 2022 was how good a little bit of discomfort can be for you.
Leo Babuta said it best:
The problem is that when you run from discomfort all the time, you are restricted to a small zone of comfort, and so you miss out on most of life. On most of the best things in life, in fact.
It also works wonders for your gratitude. Do you know what gets my juices flowing nowadays? A full-sized fridge. An oven. A washing machine. When you live on the road, these things are not a given, so when you get them, you’re ready to marry your Airbnb host in appreciation.
At the risk of making this week sound even cheesier than it already does - and to quote Janet Jackson - you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. Or - you don’t know how comfortable you are until you’re not.
Introduce just a little bit of discomfort, and it could change everything.
Say yes to the next thing that excites you
When it comes to protecting your time, my biggest tip is to say no to the next unnecessary thing you don’t want to do, from a colleague’s birthday party to an acquaintance’s baby shower.
2023 is the year I turn this on its head and tell you to say yes to the next thing you do want to do.
It could be as big as a vacation or as small as drawing a bath tonight. Whatever makes you say oooh, that would be nice, if you can, act on it.
Other things to say yes to
The offer of help, in whatever form it comes.
Time off.
A lie-in.
Your kids asking you to play with them (possibly not on the same day as the lie-in).
A nap.
Leaving work at work.
A glass of wine or beer.
A cup of tea.
Going out for a walk.
Things I’m saying yes to in the next few days
A 3-day stopover in Vienna on my way to 2023’s first location - Albania.
A beer (it’s just been set down beside me).
A new pair of jeans, now the old ones have fallen apart at the knees.
Spending my final day in the UK with my family, not working.
A cuddle from my nieces.