Do You Actually Like Where You Live?
Your address have can have a profound effect on your mental health
When we talk about self-improvement, we often talk about a few key areas of life. We look to better our mental states, our wellbeing, our finances, our job.
But something that is oft-overlooked in this personal development cocktail is where we choose to live. And yet, it can have a huge effect on our mental health and state of wellbeing.
We are at an interesting point in human history where the whole I don’t have a choice in where I live because of my job / kids / family rhetoric, for many people is fading. Remote work is becoming the norm. Kids are learning online or becoming part of world or homeschooling communities.
Despite what Brexit and protectionist governments (and the odd Omicron-based travel ban) would like you to think, the world is opening up, with the advent of digital nomad visas, strong internet connections everywhere, and even online countries.
You don’t even need to look at moving country, state, or county. Sometimes the town up the road can do more for you than your current address ever could.
So think, and think hard - do you like where you live? Does it sustain and nourish you? If not, are you prepared to break up with it and move on?
Many of us don’t actively choose where we live
72% of Americans live in or close to the town where they grew up.
96.6% of people live in their home country.
And yet:
750 million of the world’s adult population (around 15%) say they would move countries if they could.
There will be an estimated 1 billion digital nomads by 2035 (that is a pre-pandemic prediction, which has catapulted digital nomadism forward by around 10 years).
So there’s a disconnect between where people choose to live and where they would actually like to live.
If you love where you live then more power to ya - you do you, mate.
But if you’re living where you live just because it was just easier to stay close to home, or because you moved a long time ago thanks to a job or a good school, and you just stayed, then it might be time to think long and hard about if it’s still the right place for you. Here’s how:
What does your ideal town look like?
What do you want it to have? How do you want it to make you feel? Make a list.
It could include anything from size to amenities, to the kind of people who live there, to proximity to family and friends. I’ve thought about this a lot since moving places every month for 14 months and my list looks something like this (this is by no means exhaustive):
A large town / small city size that buzzes with life.
Access to nature, ideally on or close to the sea.
Places to walk and run.
A focus on food and quality ingredients (Many places in Spain, Portugal, France and Italy do this really well).
A melting pot of culture where locals mix with immigrants, ex-pats, digital nomads from all over the world.
Places to eat and drink with gusto.
Now think about the town you live in right now. Does its offer match your demands?
Next, make a list of your commitments and reasons not to move.
You may have very valid reasons, like not being able to afford it, health concerns, or being a carer to a family member. These are particularly tricky and deciding if they are obstacles too big to climb, is your call.
But if your commitment list is filled with things that can be changed - even if it takes considerable effort - like kids’ schooling, owning a house, even your job, and your town isn’t doing it for you, then you’ve got some serious thinking to do.
There’s nothing wrong with half-assing it (really)
My sister is a Francophile. If she could, she would live in France permanently. But she has commitments in the UK like an only-sometimes-remote job, kids, and a husband who doesn’t want to leave the country.
Many years ago, back when housing was much more affordable than it is now, she bought a small apartment in the Normandy town of Trouville. For nearly 20 years, she and her family have split their time between the UK and France, spending up to 3 months a year there.
This compromise equals happy sister, happy husband, happy kids.
If you can’t make a permanent move, there are as many ways to compromise as there are people:
You could find someone to do a 50-50 split with, each renting or buying a place in different towns and swapping every 6 months.
You could downsize and buy or rent two smaller places in different locations.
You could rent or buy a trailer or tiny home.
If you can think of it, someone has probably already done it.
The loneliness conundrum
I get asked a lot if I’m lonely on the road.
We are social creatures and the thought of moving town just to sit, lonely and depressed on your own does not exactly sound like a barrel of laughs.
In fact, I was far more lonely when I lived in the UK, particularly when I was living in the South-East. I never felt like I quite fitted in. I didn’t have many friends in my town and I was worried for a long time that the problem was me and that I had an inability to make new friends.
I didn’t need to fret.
Even in a small Northern Spanish town which was my home for the first 5 months of my nomadic life, even during lockdowns and travel bans, I still managed to make more friends than I ever did in South East England.
Why? Myriad reasons:
When you move abroad, you’re unlikely to be the only one who has done the same. It’s relatively easy to slot into a digital nomad or ex-pat community within moments because those communities know what it’s like to be the newbie.
There are always locals keen to make friends with the weird British couple who have chosen to live in their town. Cultural exchanges happen both ways.
If you’ve moved somewhere of a reasonable size, there are often meetup groups and co-working spaces. There are parenting groups, friendly bars, and cafes. If you’re open to it, there are hundreds of ways to meet people.
It’s not just abroad Meetups and groups are everywhere, in almost every town, filled with people who feel just like you.
And finally, there’s you and your perspective. When you move somewhere that works, it’s so much easier to make new friends because people are drawn to positivity. And if you’re happier, you’re going to feel better about putting yourself out there.
Trust me.
Where you live, matters
About 6 months ago I wrote a story called Happiness Doesn’t Just Come from Within. Sometimes, It Requires Big Change where I documented what happened to my mental health when I moved abroad.
Past Me says it better than Present Me ever could:
For 8 years I tried to make the best out of a bad situation and be happy through sheer willpower.
It’s what we’re told, right? Happiness is just changing your perception; you can think your way to contentment.
To some extent, it’s absolutely true. Happiness is a mindset and you’re never going to achieve it if your attitude sucks.
But there is danger in assuming that all it takes to achieve happiness is to look differently at your circumstances, because it could prevent you from leaving potentially damaging — and unhappy — environments.
Sometimes, it’s not you, it’s your situation.
In my previous life, I lived every day with the very worrying thought that I would never find happiness or contentment because I wasn’t able to find it in my current circumstances. If it all comes from a positive mental attitude, and I still wasn’t happy, then surely I am the problem?
That changed the day I left my situation behind.
On the one hand, the Dalai Lama is absolutely right; happiness comes from within. Your attitude will go a long way in your pursuit of happiness and contentment.
But not even the Dalai Lama can force a square happiness peg into a round external circumstances hole.
If your circumstances suck, sometimes it’s best just to recognize that you need to make a change, then go ahead and make it. Give your positive mental attitude something to work from.