Dear Charlie: I Want to Move Abroad for a Simpler Life but My Family Isn't on Board. What Do I Do?

Me and my mum, Croatia 2023. Family’s minds can be changed!

It’s the first Tuesday of the month which means I’m answering your questions about simple living.

I had so many questions come my way this month! Alas, I can only reply to a handful of them, I wish it could be all.

This week, we’ve got a question about what to do when you want to move abroad for a simpler life but your family doesn’t, how you can square frequent flying with living a sustainable life, and how to tackle the tricky second phase of decluttering when you still have too much stuff but love it all.

I’m now gathering questions for July. If you have one you want to ask, fill out this form.

“Dear Charlie” is largely a paid subscriber perk but the first answer is available to everyone. To see the rest, you can subscribe to S+S for $5 a month or $50 a year to get extra essays, stories, articles, courses, and the full S+S archive.

Rest assured, if I answer your question, you will get the answer emailed to you whether you are a paid subscriber or not.

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First, up a question from Phillippa:

I have wanted to live differently for years, however this differs from the desires of my 3 daughters and to a lesser extent my husband. My girls are 16, nearly 13 and 11.

My idea of simple living is living in a much smaller house, working on a freelance basis and living somewhere warmer where I can grow more of the food I love on my own land, with an outdoor lifestyle. I would be in an amazing community and have very strong connections with others living nearby.

But my girls would never forgive me if I took them out of their schools and to a new country - but I struggle with the concept of waiting until they leave home

Connection with women is hugely important to me. Whether we move now or in 7 years when the girls finish school- the thought of not having daily chats with other woman is utterly terrifying/ depressing. Not being able to speak another language feels like a huge barrier to being happy overseas.

Are there ways to remove the barriers? Btw we do not know a single person living in a warmer country. So they all feel like alien places.

Wow, what a question, Philippa! So much to unpack here.

OK, first up, your girls. Of course, I can’t speak for them but I will say this. When I was 13, my mum and dad moved me across the country. I HATED them for it — for a while. It didn’t take long however for me to realize how much better it was in our new place. I had more, better quality friends. I was happier. More importantly, my parents were happier too which made a HUGE difference to my home life.

Happy parents = happy(ier) kids.

With regards to a warmer country, my experience lies primarily in Europe so that’s what I’ll base my answers on. There are definitely countries where it might be easier than others to integrate with both locals and ex-pats. Some places that come to mind are Portugal and Croatia because English is spoken well in both. Spain too but people’s level of English varies more widely depending on where you choose to live. Spanish is, however, an easier language to pick up than Croatian or Portuguese.

All three of these countries have international schools which could make a move easier on your kids. Sure, some people might think you should send your kid to a local school, but I say if that’s the compromise that makes them happier with a move, then that’s a compromise I would be willing to make.

With regards to community, in my experience, it doesn’t take long to find friendship groups all over the place. Put it this way — I spent 8 years in a part of Britain where I made almost no friends. After 6 months in Spain, I had a close group of friends and countless more acquaintances.

The internet is a great place to find meetup groups, as are language classes and even just spending time in communities, for instance at local bars or restaurants.

It can be done!

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Next, a question from Cathy:

How do you square sustainable living with flying between places when you travel?

EXTREMELY good question, especially for me with being a full-time traveler.

I actually did some research into my carbon footprint and discovered that, even with frequent travel, I’m clocking in around 4.5 tons a year which a shade over the world average. For comparison, the average American is 16 tons and Brit is 10.

Much of this comes down to the fact that I may fly, but I don’t have a big home, car, or even much stuff.

When it comes to travel, there are ways to mitigate the environmental cost of flying. For my part, I spend most of my time in Europe which means moving about can be achieved with just a short flight or even better, trains or buses. I try (as much as possible) to spend a month+ in each place I visit so I’m not constantly traveling.

I also think that for most people, full-time travel is not going to be forever. Many people do it for a while then find a base and settle for a while when their carbon footprint — or whatever measure you want to use — could lower (although as I mentioned, perhaps not!) For instance, I’m hopefully going to be in Portugal from August onwards, in a 350 square-foot apartment, no car, and no travel for the foreseeable. That mitigates a lot of the travel I’ve done for the past two years.

The way I see it, a sustainable life is a balancing act and it’s about every aspect of your life, from the house you own to the car you drive to the stuff you buy to the way you spend your leisure time — including travel. If you look at it as an all-around thing, you can figure out how much travel you’re prepared to do that fits with your own stance on sustainability.

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Finally, a question from Keith:

How do you navigate the next phase of decluttering if you’re still unhappy with your stuff to space ratio after paring down the contents of your home to just the things you use and/or love? Is there a decluttering rule that takes emotion out of the equation when you’re just left with stuff you use and love, but there’s too much of it?

I always say the second phase of decluttering is harder than the first, so you’re certainly not alone in this Keith.

First, you could use a couple of rules from The Minimalists to help you.

The first is the 90-90 rule which is useful for practical (rather than sentimental) items. Here’s what they say:

“Look at a possession. Pick something. Anything. Have you used that item in the last 90 days? If you haven’t, will you use it in the next 90? If not, then it’s okay to let go.”

Next, I’d take a look at this article by Joshua Becker called Just because you use an item doesn’t mean you need to keep it. This dives into the idea that even if an item has some use, it doesn’t mean we have to hang onto it.

When I was in your situation a few years back, Keith, I also found it useful to pack some stuff away in boxes. If I never looked in those boxes for a few months, I would feel much better about letting the items go.

The second phase of decluttering is a big lesson in prioritization. It tests you and yeah, you might well make mistakes and throw out something you regret. But the bigger mistake is to hold onto too much for fear of that regret.

It’s worth remembering that above all.

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